Debt Free with COVID Anxiety

Real Talk with Mrs. Xennial

For some reason, I thought being debt-free would make me feel so confident and, well, FREE. In a sense, I have. I feel like I don’t have to dread over a $1 difference, and that I have more wiggle room now that debt is out of the equation.

BUT COVID KICKED MY ASS. BIG TIME.

No , I didn’t get it… I meant this “COVID Era.”

In the beginning (somewhere around March), we were still in the crampy apartment fighting to have extra space. In late April, our house in Hawaii finally closed (and yay profit). We managed to get the funding from selling the house to pay off whatever debt we have from the relocation (and then some), and turned around, found a house, and moved in on June 1. These happened oh so fast (as a matter of fact, two sentences fast), and COVID is not helping with the feeling of things spinning in warp speed. Even though I know getting into a house is the right idea (even though some may think otherwise), anxiety towards money management definitely gets me several times a day/week. Why?…

1. We are back in the mortgage game. Yay?

Getting into a house is right because we needed the space. For me, I have never thought I’d need an office, and OH MI LAWD that is such a good difference. For Xennial felines and K-9s, they finally have a space and a yard to do zoomies if they want. The kitchen is also very workable; not huge like it is in Waco, Texas (yes, we watched too many Fixer Uppers), but it is definitely a good size and very much workable (even though upgrades are in the works as well).

We had also planned to house hack, which involves doing some remodeling/renovation to separate out a space for rent. That is still in the process (as in every other household in the US right now) since Mr. Xennial can only do so much outside of his regular work time (which has increased lately due to his promotion, which is also a yay, I guess).

Currently, I’m also putting a little more towards principal to see what happens and if that makes a good enough dent to the principal. But the starting amount isn’t as high as it was in Hawaii, so I’m simply hoping we made the right decision. Yet somehow, for several times a week, I have the back and forth thoughts in my head: …”is it a right thing to do?” “No, it’s right. We thought about this.” “Really though?” “No, we’re good. We’re good. WE’RE GOOD.” And honestly, I’m not sure if this is doing any good to my mental health.

2. I know I should budget, but I’m not motivated as much for some reason.

I was the type that sits down and does my budget every single paycheck. Sometimes I will get that plan done a day or two (depending on what day pay day falls on) just to get it out of the way. Motivated. Done. Moving on.

Somehow lately it hasn’t been like this. I know a gist of what I have available to spend, and I should sort out what comes out of my personal account(s), and what comes out of our savings (which I initially set aside a number we will use for renovation for house hack and home improvement). And somehow I just haven’t been motivated enough to do either one and see where we are at. I’m not sure if it comes from the fact that being debt free gives me this freedom to “check it later.” But I find that no matter what I do, I get anxious nevertheless. (Damn you COVID.)

One thing I have been doing, however, is to consolidate most of our spending (all of mine plus whatever Mr. Xennial wants to get from Amazon) with our Chase Amazon credit card for two reasons: 1. POINTS, and 2. I get to see just about every expense I made in one place. This makes my lack of motivation a little easier to work with since all I need to do is to go on my Chase account and track from there.

3. Furlough or layoff threw me (and everyone else) off BIG TIME.

This is something probably 60%+ of people in the US are worrying about, and according to the unemployment rate, probably more than that. With state/government positions like mine, it is no surprise. Last Thursday, our President make an announcement with the “first wave of tightening budget attack” (no, that wasn’t the real name; I made it up because it felt this way), which involves several non-union-represented employees to take 12 furlough days until the end of this fiscal year. She also said that layoffs are very likely, but as far as how many or what position would be under fire? They don’t know yet. I see why she is in a tough spot: she should say something even though she doesn’t have much details to share, but not saying it would be absolutely worse.

Then before we even know it, there were 4 employees that were laid off within 2 weeks just from my department alone. My supervisor wasn’t helpful by staying silent and conveniently going on vacation during the layoffs, and everyone is now very on edge with extra duties assigned so we “operate as normal.” (If they say normal one more g-damn time though…) I’m at the point where I jump a little when my phone rings. (The procedure has been: President’s assistant calls the person who is about to be laid off to inform him/her of the meeting the next day with the President and HR, which is also by phone; then during the phone meeting, all communication related to employment is cancelled and disconnected. Yes, like a criminal.)

With all of the uncertainty ahead, anxiety creeps in and further unmotivated me. I found myself aimlessly checking job hunting websites (and it’s not even like I was told that I’m being terminated), and my head started spinning with situations of all the what-ifs.

I know I can only deal with it as it comes, and I will find a way to make some income (but how much?). I’m sure by then the bills will motivate my ass to move it move it, whether I like it or not. Adding my disappointment to the system (education, health care, etc.), I was contemplating a career change somehow, too. I’m not sure how much/long I can keep working two to three people’s job and be physically and mentally okay at this point. It’s just… so tiring.

Anyways… I promised my therapist I’d take one task at a time, even though I haven’t set my foot down yet…after my meltdown with her earlier this week…

My next step, instead of doing a pie chart of combined income between me and Mr. Xennial, would be to actually list out an monthly and annual expense (rough estimate) to see what we need as a bottom line. I think if I can visualize the number, then tackling it with income makes sense to me (hopefully). I think from there I can also recalculate the necessities and weed out the “wants” from needs. (I can’t be the one who go on Amazon app just to see what deals of the day they have, right? RIGHT?)

…To be continued…